Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Week 6 theme: place

I sit in my dorm look, bored out of my mind. I start to stare around the room to find something to do. Then it dawns onto me! My room is a lot like a prison cell. It is a squire concreat box with a window at the end, looking out to dumpster. The walls are white and are cold as ice as my warm skin touches it. Im surounded by four concreate walls and a big metal door. I sometimes wonder, am i being punished for going to school. The alonenesss that this room gives me is almost unbearable. Im not locked away, but I feel that I am confined to my room with nothing to do. I can feel the walls cloing in the longer I sit here and staire. I hear faint talking through the heater, its almost a faint ghostly voice that sends chills down my spine. The one light that is in the room, shines like a spotlight, as if to look at me and mock me for being in here. The light from the tv sends shadows on the walls, and it looks as if there are people laughing and pointing at me. As I take my shoes off, i feel the chill run up my legs from the concrete floor. Then as I crawl into bed i stare at the celling and it seems to be getting close and closer to me. As if the room wants me to stay where i am. Finally my eye begin to get heavy, and I drift off to sleep

3 comments:

  1. Let me unclot this a little. See what you think. Here's the same piece with a few fewer words:

    I sit in my dorm room, bored. I stare around the room. My room is a lot like a prison cell. It is a squire concreat box with a window at the end, looking out to dumpster. The walls are white and are cold as ice. Im surounded by four concreate walls and a big metal door. Am i being punished for going to school. Im not locked away, but I feel that I am confined to my room, the walls cloing in the longer I sit here. I hear faint talking through the heater, a ghostly voice. The one light that is in the room shines like a spotlight, to look mock me for being in here. The light from the tv sends shadows on the walls, as if there are people laughing and pointing at me. As I take my shoes off, the chill runs up my legs from the concrete floor. Then as I crawl into bed the celling seems to be getting close and closer to me. As if the room wants me to stay where i am. Finally my eye begin to get heavy, and I drift off to sleep.

    Take a look at the kinds of things I've dropped--do they make sense to you? Have I left out anything vital?

    ReplyDelete
  2. No actually this seems to be very nice. I kinda wanted it to sound like that, and mine seems to be a little jumpy and put together to tightly. But Im glad that you were able to see what I was trying to say

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is yours--check it out and you'll see that all I did was make cuts.

    ReplyDelete